Thursday, August 7, 2008

Random, sometimes incoherent thoughts from your favorite bartender

1. I love the new schedule. There's nothing like coming in at 3 or 4 AM with tax free cash in your pocket, knowing you can sleep in as late as you want the next morning and hang out all day and do it again the next night.

2. Bartending is 90% personality, 10% knowledge and technique. If a bar patron comes in and asks for a screaming multiple orgasm up against the wall, and you don't know how to make it, they don't care as long as you smile and ask them just what the hell is in such a concoction. Of course they love it just as much if you can smile, nod and make their drink to perfection with no questions asked and incredibly engineered precision, but the tip will still be the same.

3. Lesbians, as a group, tip better than anyone else; Gay men are a close second, followed by straight men. Straight women are dead last (What else would you expect from a bitch?). My theory on this phenomenon is that they're so used to men fawning over them and falling at their feet, practically begging to pay for whatever they want, that they don't carry much money with them in the event that they actually do have to pay for something. Oh, and flirting with me isn't going to get you served any faster or your French Martini made any quicker. I can see right through that like crotchless panties. Just be cordial and I won't give you a cement mixer.

4. The only exception to my tipping theory is bitches that are coked out of their minds. They tip incredibly well, perhaps because they can't tell the difference between a $1 bill and a $10 bill. It's not like I'm going to point it out to them. This past Saturday night (and the first Sat. night of every month) we have a DJ from NYC come in for a rave. I can't stand the music, but damn the money is good those nights.

5. If the rest of the straight male population wasn't so damned homophobic (no names shall be mentioned) they'd realize how flattering it is to be hit on by a gay man. Of course all that would change if one of them were to come over the bar and plant one on me, but I don't foresee that occuring.

6. One of the most enjoyable things about bartending is being practically the only sober person in the place. This allows for the observation of so many entertaining things...terrible attempts at picking up the opposite sex (This works both ways!)...terrible singing...uncontrollable name it. One dude stumbled up to the bar so drunk Saturday night I had to ask him four times what he wanted because his speech was so slurred. Bud Light sounded like "good night." It didn't help that he was as guido as they come, though not quite as guido as my roommate.

7. The biggest positive to bartending: I don't spend any money at Starbuck's because I sleep in every morning, and I don't spend any money going out drinking because I AM THE BARTENDER.

8. You know the economy is bad when even strippers have business cards. This totally hot goth stripper passed me her business card with her empty martini glass Friday night and told me to come see her for a free lap dance. I'd go, but no doubt this would lead to subsequent lap dances and me spending money I don't have to spend when I can just step my game up a bit and leave the club WITH the stripper, though we all know how that ended up the last time that happened.

9. If any of you can figure out which bar I'm tending right now and come by when I'm working, I'll buy you my Almost Hugely Famous Rum Runner. Good luck.

10. Subject change: My summer league team's fourth kickball game is tonight. By my calculations we're tied for first right now in the standings. Here's to staying sober this time and actually trying.

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