Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Mid-week musings for the masses...

After much prodding and countless requests to beseech you, I suppose it's time I throw my minions a few table scraps...

Lyrics from Kanye West's "Barry Bonds" seem appropriate at this juncture:

It's what you've all been waiting for, ain't it?

What people paid paper for, damn it.

They can't stand it, they want something new.

So let's get re-acquainted, became the hood favorite,

I can't even explain it, I surprised myself too.

....So here's another hit, Barry Bonds.

It has become very apparent that you, my loyal readers, can't go a day without begging for a new blog, a new update, anything to keep you satisfied. You crave the knowledge, insight, and wisdom I direct your way. It is as if I am the teacher, and you are the pupil. You need this relationship. I, like Mr. West, am not cocky, I'm confident.

Now, without further delay...

It's Wednesday, and I'm at home. "Why?", you ask. Because head colds are the devil. Luckily for me, I get one cold a year, and once I get it out of the way, it's smooth sailing. As I lied in bed this morning I pondered rising early to seek out a productive, fulfilling day. But, after sitting up, I thought better of it, chugged some DayQuil, and hit the snooze button. Here's to a day of naps, surfing the net, and learning to appreciate Lee Corso's overused cliches on NCAA Football 2008 on the Xbox 360.

Revelations continue to come to me at a record pace. This week's ephiphany: Realizing that through aiding others in finding the solutions to their problems that you can also solve some of your own simultaneously. While recently listening to the best assistant in the world, AKA Shelley, talk about her long history of commitment issues with men, and subsequently issuing advice, I realized that I too had a similiar issue that I must acknowledge as willingly as she was acknowledging her own. You see, as badly as I have been desiring a meaningful relationship to fill the enormous void that exists in my heart, I have simultaneously been countering that feeling and failing to act upon it due to fear of additional failure, low self-esteem, and confidence.

Failure, as I'm sure you all have experienced in one way or another, most often serves to beat one down, lowering confidence and self-esteem, bit by bit, until self-doubt is the predominant emotion affecting one's decision making. I've been single for 21 months, and in that time I have experienced one failure after another with the opposite sex. And I'm not taking about one or two, I'm taking about more like 10. As those failures began to mount, I subconsciously began to defer a potential relationship with any of the women I encountered and focused solely on sexual interaction. My rationale was simple: By not allowing myself to try to get into a relationship, I couldn't fail, and the sexual encounter would pacify me for a given amount of time until I could do the same again with another female, and the process would continue. Of course, a relationship was really what I wanted, but I was denying myself.

I know all of you are, by now, completely sick of me describing not only the physical experience, but emotional experience of jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet. It's all I've talked about for two weeks. But until you have experienced it, you can't truly understand the magnitude of what I have described - how it is as if you undergo some sort of metaphysical transformation in the short amount of time it takes for gravity to propel you back to earth. For me, it was a spiritual and emotional awakening. It was, quite simply, the ultimate confidence booster. Relationship fears must pale in comparison to mortality related fears, right?

Over the past three days, this new found self-esteem and confidence has metastasized into potential. Potential for new passion. Potential for new love. Potential for a new, better me. And you know what? I'm not afraid anymore. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am overcome with a feeling of content and certainty. The fear of failure and the unknown are no longer a factor for me. Love and potential are in the air, and I'm no longer running.

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