Thursday, December 20, 2007
Running from Love...
So many thoughts and emotions have overwhelmed me over the past few days that I felt certain I would have little hindrance in conveying these to you via finger-to-key contact. I was wrong. This, without a doubt, will be the hardest thing I've ever written. If at certain points in this particular diatribe the words on the screen move you emotionally as well, know that at those points there was a pretty good chance the keyboard was soaked with the tears of their author.
I'm not really sure where to begin. Each of you who takes the time to read my thoughts in this virtual space already know the history of her and I. I won't waste your time nor mine recycling the wonderful days we've spent together, the vivid memories we've shared, nor the love that has grown in such a very brief period of time. Rest assured all of that was real - very real. Well, real at least for the person involved that keeps this blog space functioning.
I won't divulge the details of the past few days' events. No, regardless of how I've been treated throughout this whole ordeal, I refuse to spend time revealing the actions she took and the circumstances which have now surfaced. I will not do this because that's not the man I am. You know that. I'm the "nice guy", and no matter how many times it gets me walked on, my heart ripped out, or turns my world as I know it completely upside down overnight, I will not change. Call me what you will: stubborn, foolish, oblivious, or what have you. I have values, dreams, and ideals. I believe in romance. I believe in passion. And, greatest of all, I believe in love -the pure, unfiltered, unabashed, raw and uncut kind of love. It's the only thing worth living for in my eyes; the only thing worth fighting for.
As she has reminded me several times prior, perhaps I live in film. I live in movies. I live in "The Notebook". I prefer to think I live firmly affixed in a reality where this sort of love does exist, albeit elusively. Elusive doesn't mean it doesn't exist, however. It simply means it's hard to find. It's rare. So, when it comes along, you have to seize it. You have to snatch it up and hold it as tightly as possible. It's almost like riding a bull of sorts. It's so powerful and unpredictable that you hold on as best you can and try not to be thrown from the beast. You try to make the most of the time, the situation, the experience. That's love. That's life.
She and I found love these past few months. I seized it. I did everything I could. The palms of my hands are red and rough with the the metaphorical blisters obtained via my grip on love. She, on the other hand, chose to not hold on quite as tightly, and was subsequently thrown from the the beast in a most violent manner. Fear can overcome each of us and cause us to make rash decisions. It can cause us to run scared in the opposite direction.
The fear of love is not all that uncommon. I think each of us is frightned by it, at least on some level. I think the fear of love and the fear of the unknown are one in the same. Love itself is perhaps the greatest unknown in the world. Some of us are scared to fully open our hearts and minds to love because it exposes us. It exposes our naked hearts to others and leaves us in what is a most vulnerable position. Some of us fear love more than others. She happened to be one who does. I do not.
None of us are born with fear. Fear, for the most part, is a learned behavior. We are taught we are supposed to fear certain things; heights, death, snakes, spiders, and love among them. Fear is also a product of prior experiences gone horribly wrong. It is a product of things not going as expected upon their undertaking, and unexpectedly turning out for the worst. This type of fear can only increase as the number of occurences increases. Multiple increases result in greater fear. It only makes sense.
Unfortunately for the both of us, fear based on prior experiences proved to be too much, at least at its current level. We all have issues in our lives. We all have demons that hide in the darkest corners of our minds and like to show their faces at times when circumstances exist similar to those that allowed the demons to emerge in the first place. Some fears are larger than others, and we all deal with them in different ways. A common way to deal with these fears is to run from them; to hide from them all together. This works for a lot of fears. If you are scared of heights, you don't step out on a ledge. Problem solved. However, the fear of love is not so simple. When one runs from love, one not only hurts the one they're running from, they hurt themselves, likely on a greater scale. Denying one's self love is no way to go through life. It's a vicious cycle to repeat time and again. It's cold, it's numb, it's bitter. Love is the most powerful, overwhelming emotion known to man. It exists for a reason. Don't run from it, embrace it.
Is there the chance you could get hurt in the process? Of course. I am living testament to that fact. We all drive cars on a daily basis with the knowledge that we can be injured or die in the process, yet we do it anyway.
As Alicia Keys says in her song "The Thing about Love",
Everybody laughs, everybody cries,
Sure it could hurt you baby,
but give it a little try.
See, that's the thing about love.
Love is worth the risk. Take it.
As I said, love is the most powerful emotion on earth. Wars have been waged over love, after all. Love allows one to see another imperfect person perfectly. My trust has been broken, yet I remain. I'm not running because my belief in love is that strong. My love for her is that strong. No one is perfect. Mistakes are made. Forgiveness should be granted, especially in those instances where actions taken, as wrong as they may be, have valid influences behind them. I'm not excusing what she did. It was wrong, and was the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. However, it was done out of fear. It was done out of anger and fear fueled by the all too clear memories of the past.
I forgive you. You can earn my trust back. Stop running. Acknowledge your love. Embrace it. Conquer your fear. Come back to me. I love you.